Sunday, December 23, 2012

Sleep talk...

I've just notice that most of my siblings, nephews and nieces talk in their sleep... What worry me is that I might not knowing that I talk in my sleep too... I got secrets and this condition worries mem

Wednesday, November 28, 2012


I wish to have tears like human do...

Hunted by wolves......

The past can hunt you down like a pack of wolves.
          Everything is calm at first just like the usual day where you throw yourself on the field thinking it is a great day for you where the grass is green and you are among friends. You loose yourself basking in the sun feel like the world is at your feet and nothing can go wrong anymore after years of being cautious and worrying so much but nothing ever happen in all those years and you think you worried too much and its time to let go and live life freely from mistakes of the past. You were young and stupid but now you think you're wiser and everything will be fine. The past will only be the past.... "No harm will come from the past"... you tell yourself every time you're out on the field chanting until you believed that it's true...

          One wolf fright you from across the field and you run but didn't notice the bigger one is near the corner leaps and bite your nape... you try to shake it off and run at the same time suddenly another wolf takes a bite on your leg and drag you to the ground... you try to fight and struggle with all your might until at last you're out off breath... you look up and saw a big jaw with sharp teeth in front of you but now you're calmed and slowly close your eyes and almost willingly stick out your neck waiting for the the sharp teeth on your throat to end the suffering......

Sunday, November 25, 2012


My heart is not as dark it used to be anymore. I remember in the old days I always pay vengence tenfold to my enemies. I used to have the determination in making my enemies suffer worse than me. I used all my energy to inflict the worst suffering to anyone who crossed me. Now, I don't have that kind of enthusiasm anymore. I crept away and cursed my enemy but I don't do anything anymore... I must be an easy target now. There are no rage anymore in my spirit... I'm not that fierced monster that everyone was afraid off anymore.... I lost my flare... 


I... I would ignite the flare one more time. 
I... I would bring fears to their eyes again..
I... I would be the beast from hell raging with fire all over my body and charging madly to all my enemies!!!!


I am no hero
I am no son
I am no father
I am no brother
I am no child
I am no man
I am no fighter
I am no survivor
I am no saint
I am nothing to anyone. I am just me.

I got no looks
I got no strength
I got no wealth
I got no health
I got no spirit
I got no soul
I got no hope
I got no past
I got no future
I got nothing for anyone. I just got me.

and I wish for a lot of things to be a better me but I got no wills to even move from this painful life.

I cry all day and night but I don't move from this spot and I just be me.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Honour among thives...

I remember when I hid from the devil I didn't go back to my village. I was a different man then I was before and cannot bare to return to my root. Always in disguise and  stealing was my only way to live. I met with two other thieves in a castle far from home. All three of us were in the big ball organised by the lord of the land. None of us suspected each other on that night but when the ball was over at midnight we met in the chamber of treasure with knives on each other throats. We decided to co-operate with each other when the guards found us with arrows on our faces. We teamed up after that night and became the infamous Shadowcats of Rivernine State. The peak of our career started when we stole The Book of Shadows from King Philipex of Rivernine. That was how we got the name Shadowcats of Rivernine. The book was supposely to be highly valueble yet we didn't have any buyers for the book instead a very handsome price on our head by the Rivernine State. The book was useless to us and we almost tosed it in the fire as nobody understand the language in the book. We kept the book just because if the trouble it cost us and to our advantage, we finally found away to read the mysterious book. The book was more to alchemy yet there were traces of the dark influence that can't be explain by logic. 

Tuesday, September 11, 2012


I asked forecast from a couple of witches and revealed the forcast to some warlords so that they can help their citizens escape misfortunes. Now, I'm worried if a curse is created from my action. I should know better...some secrets should be kept secrets... I can't turn back time and if I can, I would tell them the same things. All I can do now is to face the curse.

Friday, August 03, 2012

White wolf.

*Image was taken from

I only put this picture because I remember one full moon night I saw a white wolf or I thought I saw a wolf near my old house in the middle of the night at my lawn. I wasn't scared and chased it around. it didn't seem scared of me but it looked like it played around with me and let me chased it. It was fun and majestic. The sky was clear that The full moon shone on us. I never touched it but it felt warm. It might be just a dog but I remembered it as a wolf. I don't think there was any wolf in this country. strange things happen around the house but never have I felt unsecured.

The haunted past. Part 1.

I can't spilled the truth unless I start from the beginning of my memory. I was the seventh of eight children of a religious couple living in poverty. I don't feel we were poor as I don't have anyone to compare to when I was younger. My memory only goes to when I was 4 or 5 years old and back then we lived in a house behind a religious worship building. It's a free house for my family as my father worked at the building. We only had one neighbour which the head of the family worked at the same place as my father. They were as poor as we were so no comparison there. I'm not sure if I was very happy back then but I think life was just fine. Being the second youngest made me very close to my parents. I was not like the others. I was fairer and better looking than the others. my younger brother was not as spoiled as I was and he didn't demanded much attention as I was too. Maybe its because that I was a sick child. I had very bad asthma and that might be why my parents were concerned about me than the others. My elder brother the sixth child were jealous of me and always doing something to offend me. My other siblings were not always around. They studied and work elsewhere so I don't really felt connected to them back then. My life evolve around the wooden house with a very large attic. There's like a big space of room at the attic but there was no ladder to the attic and the ceiling was very high that it needed a very long ladder if someone wanted to go up there. I always wondered how to get in the attic but never been there. The house was mysteriously looking that it looked haunted. The house must be very old because under the house there were so many old things that can be hundred years old. I founded old coins under the house with the face of the England queen and some weird looking coins like Japanese coins or something with triangular shapes and coins with hole in the middle. Even though there were bizarre things around the house but nothing dangerous happen there.

*Not really good in drawing. This is supposed to be the house from the side look but its tilt and I can't moved it.

Dream is just a dream...

I dreamt of so many things...but I'm being realistic..... I know that those dreams wont come true... It can't comes true because of my dark past that will hunt me down and destroy everything... I dont stop dreaming because in dreams everything is perfect and that is one thing I never would have in my life... if I cant have in real life then let me enjoy it in a dream... I done terrible things in my life and how I wish I could just erase those chapters and just begin a new one with a clean slate. But life is not like that. Everything connected and nothing would pause time so that I can sit down and plan my route in this rough never ending journey...

Wednesday, July 04, 2012


I do feel guilty every time I decline or ignore my old father calling in doing something righteous and good. I have never enjoy doing those good deeds. I have always feel that I have been force to do all those religious things. I wasn't able to decline them when I was younger but now that I am older, I ignore him. I know all those things are good to do but I just don't like to do them because of force. He never asked me nicely but always using his power as a father to abide him and do those things. I know his intention was good. He wants me to follow his footsteps In the righteous way but my heart was so sore that I sometimes just ignore his feeling.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

still have hope......

When I was in my prime, The Devil came to me. He showed me what I can do with all the power I have. I had the desire to do all those things before he came but my conscience always saved me from doing all those horrible things. The Devil managed to silence my conscience and took me to another level of evil. My conscience might be silenced but it does effect me a little bit. Till now, I wear masks when I do all those things. It might be because deep down in my heart there's a hope that I would regret doing all the hideous things I did and blend back with the world. I can't do that if they recognised my face. They would hunt me and burn me if they do.


I'm stubborn that's for sure. I know what I do is wrong but I keep on doing them. Maybe its more to stupidity than ignorance but I can't stop me. I'm addicted to all those things that can destroy me. I don't even feel sane anymore.


fair or not, this is life....