The haunted past. Part 1.

I can't spilled the truth unless I start from the beginning of my memory. I was the seventh of eight children of a religious couple living in poverty. I don't feel we were poor as I don't have anyone to compare to when I was younger. My memory only goes to when I was 4 or 5 years old and back then we lived in a house behind a religious worship building. It's a free house for my family as my father worked at the building. We only had one neighbour which the head of the family worked at the same place as my father. They were as poor as we were so no comparison there. I'm not sure if I was very happy back then but I think life was just fine. Being the second youngest made me very close to my parents. I was not like the others. I was fairer and better looking than the others. my younger brother was not as spoiled as I was and he didn't demanded much attention as I was too. Maybe its because that I was a sick child. I had very bad asthma and that might be why my parents were concerned about me than the others. My elder brother the sixth child were jealous of me and always doing something to offend me. My other siblings were not always around. They studied and work elsewhere so I don't really felt connected to them back then. My life evolve around the wooden house with a very large attic. There's like a big space of room at the attic but there was no ladder to the attic and the ceiling was very high that it needed a very long ladder if someone wanted to go up there. I always wondered how to get in the attic but never been there. The house was mysteriously looking that it looked haunted. The house must be very old because under the house there were so many old things that can be hundred years old. I founded old coins under the house with the face of the England queen and some weird looking coins like Japanese coins or something with triangular shapes and coins with hole in the middle. Even though there were bizarre things around the house but nothing dangerous happen there.

*Not really good in drawing. This is supposed to be the house from the side look but its tilt and I can't moved it.

Dream is just a dream...

I dreamt of so many things...but I'm being realistic..... I know that those dreams wont come true... It can't comes true because of my dark past that will hunt me down and destroy everything... I dont stop dreaming because in dreams everything is perfect and that is one thing I never would have in my life... if I cant have in real life then let me enjoy it in a dream... I done terrible things in my life and how I wish I could just erase those chapters and just begin a new one with a clean slate. But life is not like that. Everything connected and nothing would pause time so that I can sit down and plan my route in this rough never ending journey...

guilt

I do feel guilty every time I decline or ignore my old father calling in doing something righteous and good. I have never enjoy doing those good deeds. I have always feel that I have been force to do all those religious things. I wasn't able to decline them when I was younger but now that I am older, I ignore him. I know all those things are good to do but I just don't like to do them because of force. He never asked me nicely but always using his power as a father to abide him and do those things. I know his intention was good. He wants me to follow his footsteps In the righteous way but my heart was so sore that I sometimes just ignore his feeling.

still have hope......

When I was in my prime, The Devil came to me. He showed me what I can do with all the power I have. I had the desire to do all those things before he came but my conscience always saved me from doing all those horrible things. The Devil managed to silence my conscience and took me to another level of evil. My conscience might be silenced but it does effect me a little bit. Till now, I wear masks when I do all those things. It might be because deep down in my heart there's a hope that I would regret doing all the hideous things I did and blend back with the world. I can't do that if they recognised my face. They would hunt me and burn me if they do.

addicted

I'm stubborn that's for sure. I know what I do is wrong but I keep on doing them. Maybe its more to stupidity than ignorance but I can't stop me. I'm addicted to all those things that can destroy me. I don't even feel sane anymore.

life.

fair or not, this is life....

The romantic plan for war...

with his eyes glittering like little boy given a new toy, the king told all his plan to overcome any attack from the masked demon. It was like he can't wait for another mischievous act from the demon. if someone come in with a news about the demon, he would hug that person. I was puzzled, how could the hatred he had for the demon changed into something he's overjoyed with. I almost slapped him silly for those obnoxious remarked on the demon.