On the verge of madness

My life has little meaning to the world. There is only one reason I'm still holding on to the reality. My mother. She's the nicest person on earth but most gullible too. I will keep my humanity intact as not to impact her with negativity. 

Me versus the world

     For a long time in my life I haven't feel true happiness. I have been living in the dark behind this mask of a man with smiles and laughter. If I show my true self, will people accept me? Will my family accept me?... I don't have the luxury to tell the truth when the risk of telling the truth will destroy everything I have now. I don't have much now but losing what I have  now means I will have nothing. I am timid to start from zero. I don't think I can survive this world from zero. I barely make it now but still I can stand in the crowd. Taking off this mask means taking on the world. Me vs the world. I will loose. 

Life is a torture

Life is a torture when you have to live in the shadow. I can't show the real me as it will frighten most people I know off. I have to live as they are to live with them. My true face will shock most of them to death and the ones not dead will try to kill me. I don't think fencing through the lives of the people I know off would be a good way to live but living this way now is a burden too.

No motivation

Night after night  I struggle to sleep as my mind keep thinking of all the past sins I've done in my life yet I  was  not remorseful enough to change my routine each waking day. I do the same thing over and over again without gain any worse or better than I've always been.

I hate many people and hold vendetta yet I haven't done anything for revenge.

wish upon a sleep

Sometimes I wish that I would wake up from sleep with amnesia. I don't remember all my past sins and mistakes. I would be worry free. I could start my life again.

eaten away by umformidable enemy....

Time could be monstrous and eat you away of your beauty from inside and outside. 

I felt changed after years of abusing myself with load of works, bad habits and my own laziness to exercise. I took a look at old photo and saw a different person than what I am today.

I am changed. 

Changed for the worst.  

Changed in many aspects.

My skin, 

My hair, 

My weight, 

My posture,

My view of life.

My whole mind.

My attitude.

My whole me. Is changed.

I didn't realize how hideous I've become till tonight.

Chapter 1 : The Beginning 2

Born to a simple family I was raised in a small house with many siblings. Three elder sisters and three elder btothers. As the seventh after 6 years from my elder brother, I was pampered by my parents. Everybody had their function in the family. There were tasks that everyone knows and do but not I as the youngest one. The sixth was very jealous of me as I was always the one doing nothing and play all day. He had bad intentions and always find ways to get to me. Once, he asked me to hold a piece of paper up on my head while he trew a dart right on my forehead. He made it like an accident to get away from trouble and I believed that it was unintentional.  Ask me to passed him an old bamboo stick and slitted my thumb, kicked a rattan ball onto my face and I believed those were all  jokes that turned into accidental pain in my end.