wrong

I thought I could live peacefully towards the end of my life... I was contempt with everything that happened.  The bad, the good and everything in between. I made peace with the past. No need to be lurking in the shadows and scheming.

I was dead wrong.

Always the same...

Always the same shit happens every year. I need to change but changes are hard. I don't have the determination to change even a little except the natural changes of my body. The never changing soul in a decaying body. It doesn't look good at all. 

On the verge of madness

My life has little meaning to the world. There is only one reason I'm still holding on to the reality. My mother. She's the nicest person on earth but most gullible too. I will keep my humanity intact as not to impact her with negativity. 

Me versus the world

     For a long time in my life I haven't feel true happiness. I have been living in the dark behind this mask of a man with smiles and laughter. If I show my true self, will people accept me? Will my family accept me?... I don't have the luxury to tell the truth when the risk of telling the truth will destroy everything I have now. I don't have much now but losing what I have  now means I will have nothing. I am timid to start from zero. I don't think I can survive this world from zero. I barely make it now but still I can stand in the crowd. Taking off this mask means taking on the world. Me vs the world. I will loose. 

Life is a torture

Life is a torture when you have to live in the shadow. I can't show the real me as it will frighten most people I know off. I have to live as they are to live with them. My true face will shock most of them to death and the ones not dead will try to kill me. I don't think fencing through the lives of the people I know off would be a good way to live but living this way now is a burden too.

No motivation

Night after night  I struggle to sleep as my mind keep thinking of all the past sins I've done in my life yet I  was  not remorseful enough to change my routine each waking day. I do the same thing over and over again without gain any worse or better than I've always been.

I hate many people and hold vendetta yet I haven't done anything for revenge.

wish upon a sleep

Sometimes I wish that I would wake up from sleep with amnesia. I don't remember all my past sins and mistakes. I would be worry free. I could start my life again.